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July Haikuthon by ~Tegaux:iconTegaux:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Haiku & Eastern


first.

Burst of red and white,
explosion of pride,
night welcomes with open arms.

second.        

white flower born
dripping sunlight from petals
grass dances to catch

third.

soft touch of breeze -
tree sways like woman
walking into sunlight

fourth.

morning glow -
smile is traced
taste of peaches

fifth.

Tree branches
rake clouds -
Zen afternoon.

sixth.

pink horizon in stormy skies,
orange glowing breath -
sun sets into purple dreams

seventh.

yellow dress twirl,
pivot,
dance in ~wind~

eighth.

drop of quick relief
      *shiver*
summer snowflake

ninth.

beer cup lights
strum a tune
of porch nights

tenth.

bird song
morning choir -
cat watches

eleventh.

storm rage
fill sky whole
sun sleep

twelfth.

moon rise
sun set
lake sigh

thirteenth.

lost firefly
swimming in moonlight
falling star

fourteenth.

damp grass
run to catch
tickled feet

fifteenth.

turn, twist
`pop`
flavour explosion

sixteenth.

clouds cotton thick
dreams hide behind the curtain
we wait in the rain

seventeenth.

brittle broken bones       hair falls away
discarded doll

eighteenth.

did you hear monsters
                              eating
                                       trees

nineteenth.

little pot boil
burn over side
                                      escape

twentieth.

fish moves ocean
around naked
scales
lifting waves
with tip of
tail

twenty-first.

t   a   l   l
ship’s mast splits
blue sky

twenty-second.

lines              floating
            of                    words

twenty-third.

I write
to keep
myself
sane

twenty-fourth.

if I had a million
dollars  -  dreams   -  stars
to give you

twenty-fifth.

morning sun
traces my skin  -
tickles with kisses

twenty-sixth.

I heard thunder
booming in clouds -
it laughed

twenty-seventh.

grey sky
morning -
summer sleeps

twenty-eighth.

eraser finds
page -
my words run

twenty-ninth.

He sat upright
hair gleaming  -
sun golden.

thirtieth.

She sprayed spring
onto her body -
she smelled like love.

thirty-first

July sighs in parting -
my words fade
into dusk
©2009 ~Tegaux
:icontegaux:

Author's Comments

For the July Haikuthon. I think this is a wonderful idea!

If you're interested: July Haikuthon

Be very critical...this is my first real try at Haikus...

I have finally caught up.

I changed my first, realizing I wanted something to symbolize the birthdate of my amazing home. :flagcanada:

As well, the sixth was actually something I witnessed last night on my drive home in the country...the most beautiful sunset over fields of crops (completely pink, with an orange sun and cascading purple coming down to meet it). We are so lucky for the world we live in :)

Eighth is about sweat...and I couldn't decide between desert snowflake or summer snowflake...if you think desert works better please let me know :)

Sorry, was a busy weekend...tried something different with the 18-20 :)

I know...22 doesn't qualify...but I don't care...hehe.

Finally, the end. It has been epic, momentous, amazing. I had such fun with this challenge. Yay! I don't think I got any better, but I loved every minute of trying. :heart:

Comments


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:iconiscariot-priest:
`Iscariot-Priest Jul 6, 2009, 5:40:57 AM
As you've asked for crit, I'll do my best.

First, I recommend against numbering your haiku as first or second. By day 27, do you want to type "Twenty Seventh"? Just put Day 1, or -1-. Also, despite what MS Word tells you, it's okay to not capitalize the first word in each sentence.

Day 1: It's a beautiful image, but it's done in a very wordy way. This is the primary reason I recommend against the 5-7-5 form, writing the haiku becomes a game of "fill in the blanks". A few notes:
a) there's a white flower with sunlight reflecting off it onto the grass.
b) does it need to be white, would it better to name a specific white flower?
c) "Dripping sunlight from petals" is great, especially with the following line. However the connection between both lines is jarring.

Some suggestions:
a) I recommend using a specific white flower. As it's a shrub (taller than grass, but not shadowing the grass), I'd go with either Daisies or Peony, or Daffodils.
b) alternately call the new-born flower a bloom.
c) an example:

daisy bloom -
petals dripping sunlight
onto swaying grass

Day 2: I like the personification in line one, though the phrasing sounds a tad odd. Perhaps you could emphasis it more by putting "breeze" first and making it a possessive noun: breeze's soft touch. Alternately, in keeping the current sentence structure, a touch of breeze That also makes it sound like a cooking recipe, which would emphasis the weirdness. Or just shorten it to soft breeze.

Personally, I don't like simile in haiku, it adds wordiness and detracts from the image by masking it as something else. Your choice. However, grammatically, the sentences could do with some changes the tree sways like a woman or trees sway like women.


If you want to learn more about the haiku form, here are some essays:
:bulletblue: A word about haiku - by Michael James (~Wudang-mountain)
:pointr: An essay that reasons why or why not one should use 5-7-5 rule
:bulletblue: Haiku Theory Part 1 by ~SOLARTS
:pointr: Another essay that describes techniques anyone interested in haiku should learn.
A Judge Reports by New Zealand haiku-poet, Ernest J Berry.
:pointr: Mr Ernest goes into what he looks for when judging haiku.

--
“Now me lay down to sleep.
Mow da zeebas down like sheep.
Give dem to me nice and dead.
Me no happy ‘til me fed.”
-Bedtime prayer of crocs, Pearls Before Swine
:iconiscariot-priest:
`Iscariot-Priest Jul 6, 2009, 5:43:08 AM
That's weird, when I started this crit, the current number one wasn't there. :o

And the new "first" is a July 4th reference, why not just have it on July 4th?

--
“Now me lay down to sleep.
Mow da zeebas down like sheep.
Give dem to me nice and dead.
Me no happy ‘til me fed.”
-Bedtime prayer of crocs, Pearls Before Swine
:icontegaux:
~Tegaux Jul 6, 2009, 5:59:49 AM
Thank you for your input. I will work on the kinks in my next Haikus. It's hard to break down wording when you are so used to doing long poetry. And imagery and similes are such a big part of poetry, cutting them out seems to be an injustice...but I am working on it. Thanks so much!

As for the numbering, I think I will keep it the way it is, I hope that is ok...Just seems more me. I don't want to cut myself out of my poetry entirely... :)

--
How can I sleep without your breathing?
How can I dream without your touch?
How can I hope without your smile?
How can I be me…without you?
:icontegaux:
~Tegaux Jul 6, 2009, 6:01:47 AM
Acutally it is for Canada day on July 1st. I am Canadian :flagcanada: :)

--
How can I sleep without your breathing?
How can I dream without your touch?
How can I hope without your smile?
How can I be me…without you?
:icontegaux:
~Tegaux Jul 6, 2009, 7:40:17 AM
Thank you :)

--
How can I sleep without your breathing?
How can I dream without your touch?
How can I hope without your smile?
How can I be me…without you?
:iconsaiun:
*saiun Jul 6, 2009, 9:28:45 AM
You might also consider participating in the renga being hosted by solarts. It's a lot of fun. Just pick a spot and dive in. =)
:icontegaux:
~Tegaux Jul 6, 2009, 10:00:17 AM
Thank you, I will have to check it out :D

--
How can I sleep without your breathing?
How can I dream without your touch?
How can I hope without your smile?
How can I be me…without you?
:iconiscariot-priest:
`Iscariot-Priest Jul 6, 2009, 4:10:15 PM
Oh yeah, Canada day. Sorry, missed that.

--
“Now me lay down to sleep.
Mow da zeebas down like sheep.
Give dem to me nice and dead.
Me no happy ‘til me fed.”
-Bedtime prayer of crocs, Pearls Before Swine
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